Sowing with Tears

It's hard to leave one part of your life and transition to the next. Emotions want to linger and hold on to what is known and loved even when it's painful. We 've been struggling with dramatic changes over the last year, our fight with cancer, our loss and trying to find a way to heal. Our faith and our trust have helped. We try to do what is best at this moment and leave the results in God's hands.

 I've felt sad and worried about emotionally separating again from Mary Evelyn through the adoption of unknown kids. I was having a teary, fearful moment on Sunday when I found a note from my dovelet. It said: you are my BFF and my mommy.

The note, written in the last week of her life, felt very sweet to me.  My place with her and her place with me will never change no matter who else we love. Just as my love for Thomas was not diminished by my love for Mary Evelyn, the new kids will not take away from my love for my biological kids. But it feels like the end of something, maybe just the private grieving time. We'll be busy once we have the kids. It won't be the same and I don't want to let go but I know that is selfish. We are reminding ourselves that God asks us to care for orphans.  Our responsibility is to do what is in front of us and trust Him to take care of us. 

Psalm 126 vs 5-6 those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.  

We understand about the tears and as Mark said, the real end of this story is us seeing Mary Evelyn in heaven so no matter what, we have that joy to look forward to.

Sometimes it's hard to believe we are doing this. The preparations have kept us so busy it's been hard to find time to process everything in my mind. It took a lot of work to get the house ready and get the paperwork and other necessary items for the adoption complete. I had to go to three banks just to get the cash we need to pay for everything in Ukraine ( you only bring cash - it seems crazy but that is how it works)  and then a fourth bank to swap the money out for new, uncreased bills.It's a lot of bills.

There was a list of suggested supplies to shop for before we left. I  brought  craft activities,  UNO, and sketch pads for three kids so we can keep them occupied. I also packed dramamine, tylenol and things like that for them. We're bringing a couple six 6-8 shirts for girls or boys because that may be the right age, but since we don't know who we're getting  we're going to have to go shopping in Ukraine for most of their clothes. We couldn't resist packing some little chocolate Easter bunnies and other treats, too.

Cindy arrived at our house on time this morning and kept us on task. She kept reminding us of the time and helping us finish up lose ends. She dropped us off at the airport on time where we were met by Rebecca, Father Jacob's wife. She walked with us to the security checkpoint where she hugged us goodbye. So far, the only problem has been  that the foot on Mark's carry-on bag up broke off before we even leftbeing house. It's brand new. On well. It's a small thing.

It's not like we have to think about moving Mary Evelyn's grave or something. Wait, we are dealing with that, but that issue is being dealt with by our attorney so I'm attempting to let it go as much as I can. I feel like I have enough going on without that drama, but there it is. 

Mark has just learned how to say Меня тошнит. That means, "I'm going to throw up!"  Such a useful phrase. I did pack leftover but unused throw up bags because the kids all throw up. It must be very scary to them and also they are not used to traveling so when they get on the bumpy roads they all say"Меня тошнит".   

We've started our Ukrainian adventure. Hope is having the sleepover party of her dreams with her buddy Roxy (jamie's dog) ,  Redcat is pouting under the neighbor's deck, and hopefully Mary Evelyn is smiling at us from heaven. 

Pleas continue praying for us that we will be able to pick out children who will be sweet and will benefit from being in our family.