After our first visit--Mark

I'm sure I'm just discovering what everyone else had already fully anticipated:  you can't go searching for a child to adopt six months after losing your own and not have an emotional time of it!  So I get it.

They're not all bad emotions, either--besides the grief, anxiety, fear and regret, a lot of hope and, hopefully soon in increasing degree, love and joy, too.

So we met the little boy yesterday, and all those emotions were part of the day.  I had been so put off by the mugshot-like photo of little Valodnya ever since our appointment on Kiev last week that I had low expectations.  I had been very anxious about it last week, but my emotions had mellowed into a neutrality--I wasn't worried, but I wasn't looking forward to it, either.  I was a little ashamed of myself when he turned out to be a nice little boy.  He seemed good and smart, nimble and confident.  He was shy or guarded, but as he and I played, he opened up more and so did I and I began to feel some affection for him.  By the end of the visit, both Edna and I said we liked him, but hadn't yet connected with him at such a level that we could be certain we should be his parents.  It was enough, though, to move forward with a visit to the older two, so our translator set about getting that planned for us.  

Because the older children were in a different region (Crimea) and we had been given paperwork specific to Donetsk, there was a whole afternoon of bureaucratic wrangling and threats not to accept us when we got there.  Edna felt particularly stressed about the whole situation, with things starting to get real and not feeling emotionally connected.  Because it was clearly going to be a lot of effort to continue pursuing these children, our translator wanted to know if we were sure we wanted these children, or to go back to Kiev and try again.  It was a hard decision, but, mainly because we didn't feel strongly about the child we had met, and we ideally wanted 2, not 3, we decided to start over.  It was what our gut was telling us both, and Edna was particularly relieved at the decision.  I immediately felt some regret and felt guilty for what I could then see were ways in which I had not done right.  First, I should not have allowed myself to be so swayed by one photograph in our appointment in Kiev.  I know that the scripture says that man looks on the outward part but God looks on the heart.   I caught myself, even after determining not to do it, being quite un-Godlike in this regard.  Once I met him, and he started to smile and his personality came out a little, I could see the beauty of the image of God in him, and I was ashamed.  Second, I approached the meeting, in the days before, more self-consumed than thinking of and praying for this child and preparing my heart to love him--not totally, but if I may confess it, a little like I was going to look at a horse before buying.  Had I really prayed for this child and prepared a fatherly disposition for him in advance, would "the connection" have been there more clearly?  Can't know now, but I have to carry some sadness for not doing right by the little guy, and I can--and am determined--to learn from my mistake and do better next time.  And I will pray for him now, after the fact, that the right family will come along soon, and one that will be even better for him.
So we came back to Kiev last night, arriving at 3 AM.  This morning we submitted paperwork for another appointment and will probably have the appointment next week sometime.  So we have several days to relax, refocus and prepare.  I am very hopeful for a better outcome next time, but fear two things in particular:  there being few good choices available when our appointment rolls around--did we blow our one chance?--and, more so, that we may have the same experience next time too, regardless of the children, because we are not ready and can't clear the higher-than-expected emotional hurdles.  I really want this to happen, and it will be another loss to me if we don't succeed, but, as before, we'll have to take it step by step and see how God chooses to bless us if we are faithful. Thank you all for your prayers.