Jumping In the Pool

Last night I dreamt that Mary Evelyn was dying and I was begging God on my knees to spare her life. Really living those days was so stressful that I was almost grateful when I woke up and remembered it has been over for almost six months. I know that may sound bad, but I’ve come to a more accepting view of death and it was horrible to watch Mary Evelyn suffer without being able to cure her. A couple of weeks ago, I was in the church nursery when a toddler started choking on a wheat thin. I picked her up and placed her across my lap, face down, and was about to smack her on the back when the cracker dislodged and she started protesting loudly. I was thankful that I helped this sweet baby and it was a healing experience for me. It was wonderful to feel like I had helped a child after feeling so helpless as Mary Evelyn died.

Adopting is a way to affirm life even while we are grieving. My parents set a great example for me of moving forward after tragedy. My mother was widowed with five young children. She mourned her husband (she cried for a whole year) and then moved forward with her children and created a happy home for them in spite of many difficulties. She got a good job, threw wonderful birthday parties and eventually found a new husband and father for them. My father was a single parent with two daughters so when Mom and Dad got married, they instantly had seven children. That seems a lot crazier than going to Ukraine to adopt 2-3 children, but that was the family I was born into (yes, I am #8) and so I feel a little silly when I let myself get too scared about adopting.

When Mark and I were first dating, I visited my sister Cathy and told her and her husband Kenny about Mark. Kenny, who had known me since I was thirteen, asked me if this was the one. He said, you’ve never really jumped in the pool. I thought about that and decided he was right. I’d always been so busy protecting my heart I’d never let myself be very open. I’d stuck my toes in the water, but never had the courage to jump in. I decided that if I was ever going to jump in the pool, I’d want it to be with Mark. Of course, as soon as I decided that, Mark stopped calling me and it took many months for things to work out, but in the long run we got married. My decision to be vulnerable caused me some immediate heartache, but brought joy later.

Adopting a child from another country is like getting married, but in some ways it’s even more of a commitment because once it’s done, you can’t get out of it without creating an international incident! We’re going to meet the kids in less than two weeks. They’ll become our kids days later. This is surely jumping into the pool again, but isn’t that what life is about? If you stay safe on the edge, when does your life really happen? You usually can’t accomplish anything great or meaningful without some risks taken.

I would not have chosen this, I’d have chosen to keep my girl here and cancer free. I did pray, many times, in real life for God to spare her life and let her stay with us. I miss her so much it’s hard to let myself think about her for very long right now. I would have wanted to have kept my sweet little Mary Evelyn with me, but it was beyond my control and in faith I believe that God had His reasons for this. In the weeks to come, God willing, we will have the opportunity to be a great blessing to children who need us. Although I miss my dovelet every day, I feel her presence in my life. The faith, courage and love that Mary Evelyn had inspires me and the silly fun way she lived life still brings me joy and lessens my grief. Hopefully, with God's grace, we can share that love and joy with her new little siblings.

With hope, faith and prayer, Mark and I are moving forward into our new lives, jumping into the pool with new kids, and trying to focus on our gratitude for the loving people who surround us in our grief and our joy. We can see the loving hand of God in our lives though your kindness and this helps us to have the courage and the capability to do something as crazy as go to Ukraine and bring home children.Thank you for your prayers and love throughout this time.