Nadia sat in the sand on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world, her back turned towards the view of the lovely waves and cried. Her adjustment seems to lessen each day as she longs for her old life in the orphanage. She claims she intends to return to Ukraine the day she turns 18. She’s counting them.
Right now, she has dual citizenship, but at 18 they have to renounce one or the other- America or Ukraine. I shudder to think of the life she’ll have if she persists in this. She has no special skills or education that would enable her to support herself in Ukraine and the family she has there wouldn’t take care of her when she was a child, so I’m not optimistic about how helpful they’d be to her as an adult.
She has a future that is bright here, full of opportunities and a loving family hat welcomed her with open arms, but the struggle to learn the language and culture (?) seems to be discouraging her and she’s not trying. It's so much easier to retreat to her room and wait it out..
Sixteen is a hard time for any girl and being adopted at this age makes it even tougher.
As the parent, it’s hard to be patient and understanding, especially with such a new and tenuous relationship, but I remember that inside, she’s a scared child who has been through enough unahppy things to land her in an orphanage. Probably this is a normal post honeymoon adjustment phase that many kids have after such huge upheavals.
My job as adoptive parent is to stay sane, calm and keep above the rising tide of emotions that could engulf our family, while making sure behaviors are lovingly corrected and realistic futures are the ones we aim for. I've arranged for a translator for later this week and hopefully we can talk a lot of it out and help her get her head straight.
The other new kid, Nicholas, is as happy as a child could be. He’s speaking a lot of English, works hard on his schoolwork- he has already completed over a fourth of the third grade math book they are both doing on the computer- and is soaking up and giving back lots and lots of love. He’s made the leap into his new life and is full of love and happiness. I have understandable phone conversations with him.
ON the beach, while his sister mourned a life that she only imagines was that good, he had fun in the sand and made the most of the moment.
Our lives are full of opportunities, but you can’t really enjoy them without a grateful, willing and open heart.
Praying for that heart.
You do realize the age of majority is 16 in Ukraine and that you adopted a LEGAL ADULT, right? The sort of thing that tends not to work out so well and results in disruption at least 20% of the time?? That you're frustrated with a grownup you knowingly promised to care for forever mere months ago that is frustrating you already?!?
ReplyDeleteAll I can do is pray that you stand by this precious girl and REALLY do care for her FOREVER ... unlike this godly Christian couple who stepped out in faith to adopt FOUR teens from Ukraine last year and disrupted THREE within all of FIVE months!! One kid they disrupted after all of 35 (!!!) days. And bragged about it on their blog, as they think it's ACCEPTABLE to promise to care for kids FOREVER but change your mind after 35-150 days and kick the kids to the curb. And claim it is what the lord meant to happen!! Because Jesus totally meant "care for the orphan til she annoys you, after that it is ok to get rid of her"!!!
Here's the awful 75% disrupting family's blog:
http://followinghiscall.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/taken-hostage-or-testing-our-love/
I am expressing the simple truth that adopting is not easy every day and that teens come with complex emotions, most of which I kept private.
ReplyDeleteMy hope as I write this blog is that it will help other people and also help my friends and family keep up with us on our journey.
Nadia and I spent the evening giggling together and as I said, I'm praying for an open heart- hers and mine. Obviously having lost a daughter to cancer less than two years ago any rejection by my new daughter brings up lots of painful emotions within me that I am struggling with. I'm not writing about a danger of me rejecting her, the problem has been her rejecting me and her new life here and as we journey through this, I will continue to share about it. Hopefully it will get a lot better.
I'm not sure what inspired this comment, but question what is meant by care for the child forever. Like our biological child, the adopted kids are part of our family forever but we hope for them all to become strong and independent adults.
Will be praying for Nadia and for you all. You are doing a wonderful thing for her and I'm sure her emotions are perfectly normal. It is still all so new and she is scared. Hopefully she will meet some friends that she will enjoy and that will be a big help. Nicholas having Andrew has probably made all the difference too. It is natural to be frustrated and want her to put some effort into learning so she will fit in. Time will help and lots of prayer for her. (Andrew's transition here was unbelievably great that it would be hard to have it as smooth as that went!) Let me know if I can help in anyway!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the update Edna. Ignore the troll poster. I don't see any evidence of frustration from your post. You knew Nadia would have the hardest time adjusting and are simply letting us know she is having a harder time adjusting than Andrew or Nicholas. I know you are giving all three of those lucky children the best opportunity with lots of love. Please don't let the troll discourage you from sharing your adoption journey honestly with us. I wish your family the best in giving Nadia extra help in her adjustment to her new life here. I wonder if there's any other teens from the Ukraine now living here that could help?
ReplyDeleteEdna,
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are in the process of adopted two brothers, 10 and 14, from Ukraine. Your posts have been enlighting and inspiring. I will continue to follow your blog as we follow behind you in this process!
Tara Alfred