Post Appointment Jitters

This morning we had our SDA appointment. Mark wore a suit and I wore my cute trench coat, silk scarf, black skirt and sweater and black boots. We looked lot more like everyone else and it was nice not to feel like sloppy tourists.

We walked with Sveta and Luda, our facilitators, over to the SDA and entered an unimpressive side door. We waited, standing in a small hallway, until we were called up. There were two official women who were there.  The first thing they said is that the office may be closing at any time and we may be one of the last couples to adopt for a long time. I wouldn't worry about that if you are in the process, it is bureaucracy  and those things probably happen Lot. So after talking about closing the office, they showed us file.They first showed us a file of three very cute and sweet looking little boys who were 6-8 and included a set of twins. Then they showed us a group of two boys and one girl ages 6, 8 and 9 who were not as cute because they looked unhappy and had sort of mean expressions. Last there was brother and sister but the sister is mentally handicapped.  We chose the two boys and one girl because they are the ones they recommended for us and we will be going to meet them next week.

Many of the blogs we've read said the parents felt sort of love at first sight for their kids and we didn't. It is very scary. What if's are all over my emotions. We talked of taking the three boys instead, but honestly, to redo Mary Evelyn's room again after working so hard on it breaks my heart. Maybe my heart needs to be broken some more, maybe judging the kids we chose from their photos is superficial and  not choosing the boys because I felt sad about losing the dream of having a daughter is selfish, but that is how I felt. I wasn't particularly drawn to either group.

We are trusting God, but feeling anxious. That seems like a contradiction, but it's the truth and they say there's no need for faith if you're not scared. I am scared that we'll come home with kids that will be too difficult for me because they won't love us or want to  be our kids and our home will become a war zone. Then again, we may come home with no kids.

I have hoped so much that God was leading us in this and tho I knew it would be hard, I thought if He was leading , He would pick out kids who would fit in well with us but maybe that's not how it works. Maybe how we feel just doesn't matter and it really  is just picking up our cross.

I didn't realize how much I was hoping for love at first sight, but after all,Mark and I knew each other for years before dating and we worked out.

The plan for now is to have our referral appointment tomorrow, then spend Saturday sightseeing in Kiev, and then  on Sunday travel to Donesk(?) to meet the little girl on Monday. The boys are at the Crimea on a rest (vacation?) so after meeting her we'll fly to the Crimea and meet the boys.

Please pray for us that we'll have wisdom in our decision. I am not easy on my heart about this.