Last night I had a dream about eating apple pie with Mary Evelyn. It was delicious and we ate slivers of it with our fingers without making a mess or getting sticky fingers.

 Mark and I moved to the least attractive apartment so far. After moving in, we went to the Golden Gate park across the street and had Belgian Waffles from a street vendor. My waffle came with caramel and Mark ordered chocolate on his. I held them both while he paid and the chocolate dripped on my clothes and into my open purse but I didn't notice it at first.  By the time I discovered it, it was not like my dream - I was a sticky mess.    I went back to the apartment to clean up and saw that the knobs were off the washing machine  so i wasn't sure of the water temperature or the spin cycle. After a few false starts and odd noises I got it to work.
 
After I rejoined Mark, we strolled in the warm spring sunshine to another park  where we found a bench in dappled shade to read. I re-read  Wuthering Heights on my kindle.  Part of the story is about  man who does not accept the death of the woman he loves to the point of becoming  mad in the colorful way only a gothic character out on a moor in the early 1800's would go mad. He sees her ghost everywhere and wanders around in the moonlight muttering to himself. Another character does accept the death of the woman he loves (of course it's the same woman) and  he chooses to trust God.  He doesn't go mad, just becomes stronger, kinder and wiser. Then, he dies young and the mad guy gets all his money and control of his daughter. I'd forgotten all that when I picked it out, I chose it because I couldn't resist the word "wuthering".   

We had lunch at a Ukrainian style restaurant in the park called O'Panos which had a special deal: salad, soup, main course and a drink for $6!  It was very delicious. Mark's drink was a Ukrainian specialty called kvas which is like a beer flavored soft drink. It's not like root beer, it's more like warmish beer with bubbles. I was grateful for my Hawaian Punch type drink. The tricky part about drinks here  is that they are not very cold and there's no ice. It makes sense that there's no ice because they'd have to freeze bottled water to make it because the tap water is not usually  drinkable. The food was all very good and the restaurant was pretty. It had a thatched roof, a waterwheel and simple, colorful stencils painted on the white washed walls.

Back at the apartment, I discovered that in order to reach the clothesline, I need to climb up on a very old ladder. This apartment is odd. There are no drinking glasses to use, but there are several sets of decorative teapots. The rooms are sort of wedge shaped and narrow with high ceilings which combine to give me an unsettled feeling of being pulled to the inside wall. There's a small, creepy, unreachable door in the wall  up above the hallway. I don't want to know what is behind it and am already afraid of nightmares about it. 

We have an appointment today at the SDA to request our third referral appointment. It's just a formality and we won't hear about any possible kids. We just wait and try not to worry.

Thankfully tonight we'll have dinner with the other parents we met so that gives us something to look forward to day.

We saw on the news about the destructive storms and tornadoes back home. It looked scary. I hope things are better there.     






A view of another part of the city:

The creepy door:

Can you guess what the sign above the store says?

It says: Brrr

Chuck Taylors

We're still in Kiev and it's likely we'll have to wait until May 10th for our next referral appointment because the offices will be mostly closed until then due to various holidays. There'll also be no more  new kids on the data bases until then and there wasn't a match today.  We thought of coming home to wait, but after considering the expense of the flights and the possible but very small chance that the first group we considered might come available again between now and May 10th (in which case, we've decided, we'd want to take them) we decided to stay here.

Mark and I were walking towards the cafeteria restaurant for dinner tonight when a woman asked if we were Americans. She'd noticed my converse (Chuck Taylor) sneakers and guessed our nationality. She and her husband are also here to adopt and they kindly invited us to join them and two other adoptive couples for dinner. It was so wonderful to laugh, share stories and make new friends.


It's hard to wait, but it's worth it for the children we'll take home.  




 

We arrived back in Kiev, got our refusal  paperwork notarized again, submitted it again to the SDA to request our third appointment and settled into a  small apartment for another wait of several days. We've spent so much time in Kiev that I've started recognizing the stray dogs who happily roam the streets. At least we know where to get groceries ( there are little deli type stores on most streets along with the fruit stands and a bigger grocery store that we can walk to), we have a choice of churches, familiar restaurants, and lovely parks. It's good that those things are not problems.

We've been attending services at St. Michael's which has a seminary and a monastery. The services are beautiful and it's inspiring to see many young people among the congregation and the clergy. We arrived at 11:00, before the Paschal Matins, and stayed until the end of liturgy when the priests were about to bless the Pascha(Easter) baskets. The service was beautiful and we recognized at least two hymns that are also sung by our choir at St. John's. One of the loveliest parts was tHe enthusiastic bells ringing. The bells rang for at least twenty minutes at different times. As we walked home at 4 am, we could hear the bells and we passed people on the street carrying their baskets.

Most Orthodox people fast from meat and dairy during Lent so the Pasha Baskets here have meat, cheese, boiled eggs, a candle and a sweet, iced bread/cake called Pascha Cake which are sold everywhere in the days leading up to Pascha. The baskets are covered with a pretty towel and brought to church to be blessed. It's a lovely tradition. We didn't buy a basket, but we did get a Pascha cake from a bakery and once we got home from church  we enjoyed our cheese, salami, bread and Pascha Cake.

We are waiting for news on Tuesday or Wednesday. We want to have kids picked out before the next appointment and would rather wait longer and have the right kids than go in blind again. We are optimistic that this can work and our translator and facilitator are determined that it will. In 12 years they've never had a family go home without kids because the family didn't find a match. I think they've only had 1-2 families who've needed 3rd appointments, but those 3rd appointments worked.  If there are no children coming available on Wednesday that we want to take our last appointment to see, we have to wait until May 10th (!) before the next group of children become available.  If that is the case, we may just come home for a break, rather than sitting on our hands in Kiev for two more weeks after the last three weeks spent seemingly spinning wheels.  REALLY hoping not to be in that situation, but it is now critically important that we know, as much as possible, that we have the right kids picked out before we go in, however long that takes.  

Today we walked to the Botanical Gardens, which is a nice park across the street from St. Vlad's. The church bells were ringing vigorously several times in the afternoon. Each time it lasted about 20 minutes. The bells create a feeling that the whole city is rejoicing in Christ's resurrection. Pascha  reminds us that Christ has destroyed death by death, so ultimately the heartaches and separations of this world are not what lasts  they are  the veil of tears that we each pass through.  

We know that after reading Mary Evelyn's blog for so long it is probably hard to journey with us again. It's been hard to live it and to stay hopeful. I (Edna) have had a hard time here dealing with the grief, disappointments, stress, cold, uncertainty, scary small really old elevators and so on. Mark has had to pick me up from various emotional puddles. Hopefully we'll be posting a happy ending soon and then the delays, false starts, heartaches, and  investment will be small compared to the joy we'll have for the rest of our lives. 
Waiting to get baskets blessed at 4 am:

The bells of St. Vlad's:

Strike Two -- from Mark

Unfortunately, today was not the first day of the rest of our lives.  After meeting with the second group of children for the morning and then going back for the afternoon, we didn't feel like these kids were a match for us for a variety of reasons.  So tomorrow, with diminished hopes, we're on our way back to Kiev again, to start all over.  We'll be asking for a third appointment at the central office for adoptions where we'll pick our third (and final) potential adoptive child/ren to go visit.  That we find ourselves in this situation is a real surprise and disappointment to us.  Reading all the many adoption blogs out there, it just never runs this way, it seems.

So what's the problem?

First, most people come here with plans to adopt specific children versus coming "blind"', i.e. not knowing what child they might chance upon when they have their appointment.  Our caseworker back home had told us we mustn't come blind, and she had targeted two kids for us, which we were coming to adopt, but just a few days before our departure, we were told those kids were gone, and no others were found to arrange our appointment to coincide with.  So we have just been taking shots in the dark.

Second, there are not that many healthy children to choose from.  Another huge surprise to us, the orphan problem--at least for healthy children-- has largely been solved in this country, which is, of course great for the kids, but bad for us at the moment.  Both orphanages we visited used to hold three times the number of kids who are there now.  And of course, those who remain tend to be the tougher cases.  For example, they have not been able to find any 2-member healthy sibling group to offer us.  So many of the blogs telling easy adoption stories are, honestly, from an easier time.  

Third, we are dealing with our grief, of course, which makes it hard to be sure where our hesitancy comes from in meeting these kids.  Is it really because these kids aren't right for us, or would we feel this way about any kids for now?  If so, should we push ourselves more to make it work while we have the opportunity?  We both think so,  but it's hard to know if the hesitancy you're pushing against is because of your grief or because you really don't fundamentally connect with this child.  Personally, I (Mark) still believe it can work with the right kids.  I began to connect with the first child we met and I have carried him in my heart since then, and I wish in hindsight that we'd gone on to meet his siblings.  That experience confirmed for me, though, that my heart is ready to love a new child, but we're just having trouble getting me, Edna, and child all together on the same emotional page at the same time!  Edna is having a much tougher time of it, emotionally, but she, too, wants it to work, and I believe it can for her, too, with the right child.

So please continue to keep us in your prayers, crazy as we are.  We so hope to soon share some good news with everyone, as we know you all, in your love and good wishes for us, so much want to hear.  With Pascha (Easter) this weekend, nothing more will happen until Tuesday, when our request for a third appointment will be submitted.  I pray God blesses us with success--last chance.      

The Empty Chair

I was crying in the French cafe today. I've been crying a lot from all the stress of uncertainties, the grief of missing Mary Evelyn, facing my own weaknesses and sheer exhaustion. This afternoon I was crying because there was an empty chair at our little table and I wished Mary Evelyn was sitting in it. I ached with missing her sweet self.

Mark persuaded me to tell him why I was crying and although I felt foolish, I told him the truth. He said that we have a choice. We can go through the rest of our lives with that empty chair, with nothing but our grief and memories, or we can fill up that chair and build our lives again. It's hard to let go of the familiar pain, of this time of mourning, because it is a way of keeping Mary Evelyn closer in a way by keeping her chair empty at our table.

There are three children who also have empty chairs. They are at their table with no mommy or daddy and we could invite them to come sit with us. We can try to help them deal with their losses and and bring them love and joy. We can give them a home in place of their orphanage.

Tomorrow we travel four hours south of Kiev to meet three  new children. The oldest girl is 10, the boy is 9 and the littlest girl just turned 6. Everyone has said they are very sweet, loving and happy. We are hoping to form a bond with them and bring them home. We plan to stay in their village for the next few days along with our sweet translator. We'll play with the kids each day and take the time to get to know them.

We hope to keep our hearts open and also hope there is no fainting this time!

We hope to fill our chairs and and honor Mary Evelyn's request to be happy and not sad, but still expect that of course the grieving will continue and that tomorrow will bring fresh crying. I hope and pray that God will give me the grace to see beyond the grief and loss I feel, which is accentuated by opening up to new children, and to see the need of these little ones and the joy that they will bring all of us.    

Appointment tomorrow

Saturday morning I woke up feeling better.I had a dream about meeting a Bishop who was very kind to us. He told Mark and me not to worry. He said that God was aware of us and that he, the Bishop, would find the children for us. I woke up feeling lighter of heart. I know it's likely I dreamt about the Bishop simply because we've been to so many churches, but if nothing else the dream was a timely reminder to trust in God. 

Saturday was also sunny and warmer outside which was a nice change.  We walked several blocks to visit another historic church- St. Vladimir's. It may  be the most beautiful so far, partly because it was all built in the 1800's and the icons and decorative painting inside was done by a team of artists over a period of about 20 years so it had a unified look. The relics of St. Barbara are there, along with other saints including St. Vladimir and many beautiful icons.

 We saw that preparations were being made for something special. There was a carpet rolled partway put and a small crowd of people waiting expectantly.the chanting began and alter boys, deacons and several priests came out of the altar and waited on the carpet for several minutes until the Ukrainian Patriarch, Filaret, entered on the carpet which was rolled out for him right before he walked in. Mark and I were standing by the relics of St. Vlad which are in a highly decorated gold coffin. Patriarch Filaret came within a few feet of us and prayed by the relics before going farther into the church.

The service was the vigil for Palm Sunday. Although the whole service was in Ukrainian, we pretty much knew what was going on. About two hours into the service, the Patriarch and several priests and deacons came out and stood in the center of the church which was partitioned to keep the crowd out although we were just a few feet away. The patriarch used a big brush to generously douse everyone with holy water as we held up our pussy willow bundles. It was a lovely sight to be in that beautiful church with many Ukrainians from all walks of life holding up the pretty branches as the sun streamed through the high windows.

We left about 3 hours into the service after the priests anointed us with oil. Many people were coming and going throughout the service which made sense from the standpoint that by having people coming and going, more people were able to attend at least part of the  long service.

Sunday morning we went back to St. Vlad's for the liturgy and it was very crowded.  People were lined up outside to get their pussy willows blessed by priests who came outside of the church.  The inside of the church was densely packed with people and some people were continuously moving through the crowd. Some were going to confession and others buying candles and other things. Once again many people did not stay for the whole service which allowed other people to get to come inside.  Early in the service, an elegant woman in white accompanied by many bodyguards and photographers came in to pray. She walked by a few feet away from us. Later we found out that she was Julia   Tymoshenko and had been the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Otherwise, the  people in the church were from all walks of life and it's clearly not just babushkas keeping the faith here. 

Sunday evening we went to the ballet at the Opera House. It is a treat to be in such a beautiful venue for a ballet especially when the tickets were under $10. 
 
Monday morning was warmer and perfectly sunny. I teased Mark that the weather improved once he bought a coat ( we found the reasonable stores)!  We walked for hours throughout Kyiv today and got a little lost looking for the Chernobyl Museum. We found it and it was well worth the walk. The presentation was both artistic and down to earth and had elements of hope in God's care shown throughout the exhibits.  As much as i liked the museum, the topics ( death, destruction, radiation, children with cancer) were tough and I cried a lot. I told Mark I'm about done with crying. We walked home by the direct route which was much shorter and then attended part of a service at St. Michael's. The prayer of St. Ephraim did not need translating and this service, attended by only a few people while we were there, was again beautiful but more comforting than the big crowded ones. I started feeling more secure again in God's care.
 
Today we had an appointment at the Cental office for adoption (SDA) to sign for our appointment tomorrow.  We do not know many specifics yet, but are hopeful and expectant that tomorrow will finally be the day that we see and settle on "our" kids.   Please continue to pray for us as we make one of the most important decisions of our lives!  We are trusting God that we will know what to do.  The high stakes have me in quite a state-- I'm fine and then Mark will say something that he means to be hopeful but I get worried or suddenly miss my dovelet too much and just start crying again.  Mark is patient man.

It has turned out that the government office for adoptions will be temporarily closed down as of June so we did get in under the wire. They expect that they'll start back up in a few months, but it's not at all clear.  Last time they stopped adoptions it was over year before they resumed, our translators told us.   

Please pray for us to be wise, and that we'll be in clear agreement at each step, and that we'll have hearts ready with fatherly and motherly love to meet our precious new children.

Here are photos of church on Sunday:   

http://www.tymoshenko.ua/en/article/yulia_tymoshenko_

And here am I outside the church with my pussy willows on Saturday

    

Cathedrals

We  visited Saint Sophia Cathedral today which is right behind our  It
was modeled after the Hagia Sophia in Turkey and built in the year
1034 to replace the first church ever built in Ukraine which was about
100 years old then. There are original Byzantine mosaic icons from
that time period along with  frescoes from the 1700's. It is very
beautiful. When the communists came, they destroyed some of the icons
before turning into a museum. It seems terrible that it is a museum,
but that is how it was saved from complete destruction. It is still a
museum because they can't agree on whose church it would be, but is
occasionally used for services by both the Catholics, Ukrainian
Orthodox and the Russian Orthodox.

The Cathedral of Saint Michael, where we attended a service for the
annunciation last week,was completely destroyed in 1936.  St.
Michael's was also about 1000 years old and was famous for it's
beautiful golden domes. In 1936, a few desperate historians were able
to save some mosaics and frescoes  by moving them into the museum at
St. Sophia before St. Michael's was demolished by communists who
planned to build a government building its site.  The Communists
first spread propaganda that the Cathedral really wasn't very old or
important, then stripped the church of its most valuable contents and
then blew it up with dynamite.They never built annoying much on its
site, just volley ball and tennis courts.

The  cathedral was lovingly rebuilt in the last ten years and was done
with such authenticity and care for detail that we both thought it was
ancient. Some of the original mosaics were brought back from museums
in Russia and it is a lovely church. It says a lot for this society
that they placed such a high priority on restoring their churches as
soon as they had the freedom to do so. It's an amazing experience to
be surrounded by so many beautiful, historic churches within this
city.

The story of St. Michael's Cathedral inspires us personally because it
speaks so clearly of the resiliency of the human spirit.  When
something as dear to this people as their 1000-year old cathedral was
senselessly destroyed by evil, they had to endure it and surely were
grief-struck by the enormity and cruelty of their loss, but at first
opportunity and at great effort they picked up the pieces and rebuilt.
 (The Orthodox in Moscow have done the same thing in rebuilding their
glorious cathedral of Christ the Savior, blown up by the communists
and replaced by a swimming pool.).  So faced with our own enormous
loss, we are inspired, with God's help, to start rebuilding our lives
through adoption.  It will be a similar experience of rebuilding after
complete loss for the children, too.


Here is another view of Saint Sophia. The brown part is the original wall.

Yesterday we spent some time studying Russian, looking for a grocery store which we didn't find, and visiting the Fine Arts Museum.
The museum had a wonderful collection of icons dating from the 1200's through the 1800's. There were many beautiful icons from a variety of Ukrainian churches. The icons went to the museum in the early days of communism and I guess that is how they were protected as many churches were simply destroyed. I couldn't take photos of the icons and the bookstore was closed when we left, So here is a website about the museum:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Art_Museum_of_Ukraine

This afternoon we're going to tour Saint Sophia Cathedral.

Thanks agin for your prayers!
The Opera House:

The Art Museum:

This is really an Orthodox Country:

Waiting in kyiv

Life in Kiev

From the windows in our new apartment in Kyiv, we can see the domes of the Cathedral of Saint Sophia- the cathedral of the Holy Wisdom. It is more spacious and clean than our last apartment and has free wireless Internet so we don't have to hang out at the cafe and buy expensive coffee in order to be online.  It's a  blessing to be here instead of the other apartment for this week.

In Ukraine, people make do with less space in their homes. They have smaller kitchens than Americans and tend to eat fresher food by shopping more regularly. Shopping for food is a great pleasure with the cheap prices and high standards in all stores. The bread in an ordinary market rivals our  best bakery bread and costs almost nothing. There are little stands along the street selling fresh fruits and vegetables along with other stands for magazines, hot dogs, ice cream or small grocery items. The stand workers stay in their tiny booth and look out of a small window that just shows their head and allows them to sell the products. I guess they stay warmer that way. Yesterday Mark and I bought a beautiful loaf of fresh bread,  butter, and what we thought was creamer but turned out to be sour cream and all that cost about 2$. 

Each day we eat out one meal since it's so inexpensive and make do with bread, cheese and fruit for the other meals just because we do need to be careful since our time here may be long. Tuesday,  we went to the Ukrainian piccadilly - its name translates to "Fat House" - For eight dollars total we had a wonderful , fresh meal including salad, bread, soup, bottled water and pirogues.   Back at the apartment, Mark has discovered he likes the instant coffee here. It really is good and is what most people drink at home. I also bought some Earl grey tea. The cold weather makes hot drinks appreciated. Everyone buys bottled water, flat or mineral, for all drinking due to the poor quality of the tap water. 

Laundry is more of an effort here. Ukrainians also have high efficiency front loading washing machines which hold tiny loads and take forever to get the job done. They do not have clothes driers so everyone uses drying racks. You see the clothes drying through people's balcony windows including mine. The clothes are stiff of course, but not wrinkly! It makes washing more of a plan ahead job.

The bathrooms are small in these apartment but do have flush toilets and you can flush toilet paper. The showers are the hand held ones that never seem to stretch long enough for tall people but do force you to conserve water.  The towel rack in this apartment is heated. We use bottled water for brushing teeth and I use makeup remover pads to wash my face to avoid much contact with the tap water. 


We didn't bring enough warm clothes. It's been drizzly or rainy with temps in the 30's and 40's up until yesterday when the sun came out briefly and  it rose to a high of 51. We are cold a lot and wish we had warmer things to wear but wouldn't dream of buying something because the prices are very high. Mark's Levi jeans would be about $150 here  instead of $30 at home and sneakers like my $20 converse ones from target appear to be about $200. A warm coat would probably cost hundreds of dollars. It is amazing how well dressed everyone is considering the cost of the clothes. 

Kyiv has many cultural attractions which I imagine are subsidized. There are museums, many parks and a historic Opera House which has a different show, either ballet or opera, each night. Last night we walked to the opera and saw Turindot. It was a wonderful performance in the beautifully ornate opera house built in the 1850's. We bought mid range tickets which cost about $7 each.

Today we'll go to some art museums and shop a little.

Thank you for your prayers. We are praying each day for our hearts to be ready and open for "our" children and for God to prepare them as well.We get three tries but  if it doesn't work next time, it will be very hard on everyone. No one does all three tries I think. We hope that in His mercy and our obedience, it will work out next week. 

Here is the view from our kitchen window:
 

Our kitchen:

  

Edna 's version of Monday

On Sunday we drove about eight hours through the Ukrainian countryside on mostly very bumpy roads with lots of potholes and slow trucks that our driver passed with expert timing. Ukraine has the blackest, richest soil I've ever seen. The fields are barren still in this cold spring, but they must be beautiful in the summer and fall. There were mile and miies of farmland punctuated by small,poor looking villages with crowded, small brick houses. Each square house had its own garden which right now means mud plot. They often have three windows facing the road and the window frames are often painted a bright blue. The one building that is always beautiful is the  Orthodox church. In the towns that have churches, the graceful lines of the church with its  arches and lovely golden dome (s) is the one beautiful sign of hope in the otherwise dreary view.

We stayed in a sixth floor apartment in Donesk. The staircase was unwelcoming concrete, smelled of pee and cigarettes and almost completely unlit but the apartment was clean, comfortable and nice. Even so, we both struggled to sleep and had stressful dreams.

Monday morning we packed up and drove about half an hour to the orphanage social worker's office. She seemed very nice and accompanied us to the orphanage. The orphanage was nicer than I expected with several brick buildings in a nice slightly wooded setting. We went into the assistant director's office and met with her and with the nurse.

The nurse read through the children's medical files. She described birth weight, vaccinations and any illnesses. They were all very healthy, but I started feeling sicker and sicker. Finally, I thought I was going to faint or worse throw up and I knew I had to tell someone so I told Mark I was sick. Our translator and the other women helped me walk me outside where I almost collapsed. The assistant director was very kind and got water for me. She used her hands to slap water on my face and neck and between that and the freezing cold air,I regained my composure and after a few dry heaves was better.

I asked for a moment in the bathroom and was surprised to discover my first squat to use, non flushing, drain toilet complete with bucket of used tp - because you can't put tp in the toilet drains. I should have taken a photo but  at the time felt it was  not appropriate and wasn't feeling altogether well so I hurried out when I could. 

Once everyone was assured of my recovery,( they let me lie down and gave me an antinausea drug  and were very kind) we went to the children's building to meet the little boy.

He was suddenly in the room and was much cuter than his photo. He was a very smart and active boy. He was cute with his little mullet haircut, blue shorts and heavy pink tights. Really, it was endearing. He liked the car we gave him, hungrily ate two bananas, played a game on the iPad, did a puzzle with impressive quickness, and read to us proudly, but his favorite thing was hitting a balloon back and forth with Mark. I was mostly quietly observing and could tell he was intelligent, confident and had great motor skills. He seemed happy to play but didn't look us in the eye much. His interactions were guarded.

After we left, we decided to pursue seeing his siblings who are in the Crimea. We drove back to the social worker's office to complete the paperwork needed for this.That's when complications arose. It took over an hour and many phone calls and we still didn't have permission to go see the kids in the Crimea. It seemed that someone was blocking this process and we had been warned that perhaps the director would not be cooperative for reasons that had nothing to do with us. 

I still felt very stressed and sort of guilty about feeling stressed. Our translator asked if we were sure we wanted to do this and explained that these are great kids but she wanted to be sure we were sure before going through the complicated issues to get us permission and arranging the travel throughout the region which is a long distance from there.
 
The thing is, we weren't sure. He is a wonderful little boy, but was he meant to be our little boy? It was hard, but we decided no. I felt less stress after that decision, but I can't explain why. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations of finding Mary Evelyn over here, but my heart was not engaged and Mark felt as he wrote in yesterday's post. 

We drove back through the night on the same bumpy roads and my heart ached for my Mary Evelyn. Seeing this boy reawakened so much grief I was a mess by the time we unpacked at our new apartment at 3 am. Mark later teased me that I was about one stpe away from becoming a bag lady. I'm better now. 

We are staying in Kiev and will wait until next week for another appointment and a chance that this time the matchmaking will work. We are really hoping for two kids, three likely means selling our house. Even more, we are hoping for inner peace about our decision. We are not likely to be offered such intelligent healthy children next time, but hopefully they will be our children regardless. 

 I feel ok. Like Mark wrote, we need to rethink our approach to this.  I need to open my heart. Right now it's been so full of reawakened grief that there's not much room for anything else so I need to ask for God's mercy in this. I need to be able to focus on the child's needs first. Thankfully, there is every expectation that the three kids we were offered first will be adopted soon as there are seldom 3 smart, healthy kids of those ages available and there are lots of people wanting to adopt. Our facilitators are not looking for groups of three now, they said it is probably more than I can handle and I agree. They are hoping to find 1 or 2 kids for us. I still hope for 1 girl and 1 boy, but it's in God's hands and we will try to connect with whomever we're given next time by hopefully, in God's grace, looking at them with eyes of love and not just grief, fear and loss. 

I am so glad to have this week to spend calmly with Mark in this beautiful  city.
    

After our first visit--Mark

I'm sure I'm just discovering what everyone else had already fully anticipated:  you can't go searching for a child to adopt six months after losing your own and not have an emotional time of it!  So I get it.

They're not all bad emotions, either--besides the grief, anxiety, fear and regret, a lot of hope and, hopefully soon in increasing degree, love and joy, too.

So we met the little boy yesterday, and all those emotions were part of the day.  I had been so put off by the mugshot-like photo of little Valodnya ever since our appointment on Kiev last week that I had low expectations.  I had been very anxious about it last week, but my emotions had mellowed into a neutrality--I wasn't worried, but I wasn't looking forward to it, either.  I was a little ashamed of myself when he turned out to be a nice little boy.  He seemed good and smart, nimble and confident.  He was shy or guarded, but as he and I played, he opened up more and so did I and I began to feel some affection for him.  By the end of the visit, both Edna and I said we liked him, but hadn't yet connected with him at such a level that we could be certain we should be his parents.  It was enough, though, to move forward with a visit to the older two, so our translator set about getting that planned for us.  

Because the older children were in a different region (Crimea) and we had been given paperwork specific to Donetsk, there was a whole afternoon of bureaucratic wrangling and threats not to accept us when we got there.  Edna felt particularly stressed about the whole situation, with things starting to get real and not feeling emotionally connected.  Because it was clearly going to be a lot of effort to continue pursuing these children, our translator wanted to know if we were sure we wanted these children, or to go back to Kiev and try again.  It was a hard decision, but, mainly because we didn't feel strongly about the child we had met, and we ideally wanted 2, not 3, we decided to start over.  It was what our gut was telling us both, and Edna was particularly relieved at the decision.  I immediately felt some regret and felt guilty for what I could then see were ways in which I had not done right.  First, I should not have allowed myself to be so swayed by one photograph in our appointment in Kiev.  I know that the scripture says that man looks on the outward part but God looks on the heart.   I caught myself, even after determining not to do it, being quite un-Godlike in this regard.  Once I met him, and he started to smile and his personality came out a little, I could see the beauty of the image of God in him, and I was ashamed.  Second, I approached the meeting, in the days before, more self-consumed than thinking of and praying for this child and preparing my heart to love him--not totally, but if I may confess it, a little like I was going to look at a horse before buying.  Had I really prayed for this child and prepared a fatherly disposition for him in advance, would "the connection" have been there more clearly?  Can't know now, but I have to carry some sadness for not doing right by the little guy, and I can--and am determined--to learn from my mistake and do better next time.  And I will pray for him now, after the fact, that the right family will come along soon, and one that will be even better for him.
So we came back to Kiev last night, arriving at 3 AM.  This morning we submitted paperwork for another appointment and will probably have the appointment next week sometime.  So we have several days to relax, refocus and prepare.  I am very hopeful for a better outcome next time, but fear two things in particular:  there being few good choices available when our appointment rolls around--did we blow our one chance?--and, more so, that we may have the same experience next time too, regardless of the children, because we are not ready and can't clear the higher-than-expected emotional hurdles.  I really want this to happen, and it will be another loss to me if we don't succeed, but, as before, we'll have to take it step by step and see how God chooses to bless us if we are faithful. Thank you all for your prayers.

 

In Donetsk

It's 9:30 in the evening and we are in Donetsk. Tomorrow we'll be going to meet the youngest boy of the sibling group. We have lots of things ready to do with him--crafts, games, toys, puzzles, and several really cool iPad applications. We are taking it one step at a time and not pressuring ourselves regarding the outcome. If it seems like we're a match with him, we'll continue on in the coming days to meet the older two. Otherwise, we'll be back to Kiev to try again. It's in God's hands and we will try to be faithful in what He has put before us at each moment.

Underground Kiev 

This morning Mark and I got up early, 6:30 am, and rode the metro. The station near us is the deepest subway station in the world and used to be part of an underground bomb shelter during Soviet times. It is a beautiful station with Byzantine-styled mosaics of angels and saints, reminiscent of Hagia Sophia. We rode two steep escalators down to the station. We got on the wrong train but after a station or two were able to get help from someone who sent us back to the original station. This time, we rode another escalator back up to a different platform and got on the right train.
 
From the metro station, it was a ten or fifteen minute walk in the cold drizzling rain to the Lavra. Part way there, we had a cup of coffee at a cafe. Warmed up, we continued  and hoped we were heading in the right direction. We passed a memorial to WWII soldiers and saw a wide view if the city and the river.  Soon, we could see a golden dome in the distance so we knew we were getting close. After crossing the street via an underground shopping center(there are underground street crossings lined with narrow tiny shops selling a wide variety of things ranging from cups of hot corn to beautiful flowers) we came back to ground level and saw more domes.
 
The Lavra is a complex of monasteries and has many golden domed, beautiful churches  and caves underneath. It was a started by a monk from Mount Athos many centuries ago. There are museums, a theological academy and active monastic and lay Orthodox life.  One of the first buildings we went in had many icons. One large one was of many saints and included a child saint in the icon which is very unusual. We continued walking around, shivering, until we found our way to a church that was having a liturgy. It was a beautiful service with many people in the congregation and several priests. The choir was very good and all men. There was one man by the door, not in the choir, who was singing along  loudly off key in a strange high pitched voice. The room was warm and the light dim and there were many icons everywhere and people were lighting candles and praying. I felt very much at home.

After the service, we went to the church bookstore and purchased two little children's books for the kids. That's when I noticed that my purse was unzipped and my passport was gone. I thought, how horrible for someone to steal my passport during church! Then again, maybe they stole it while we rode the metro. Last I thought: maybe I left it at home--nothing I could do about it but wait until we returned to our apartment so I put it out of my mind as much as I could.

The Lavra has many monks who are entombed in their caves under the churches. Monks would go there and live in a tiny cell. They usually  would not leave  their cell ever again and people would bring them food and pass it through a grate to them. When they died, they would be buried in their cell. They are still there, intact, hundreds of years later and people visit them.

We bought candles to light our way and followed the line of people through the caves. I get claustrophobic so I was uneasy in such a small underground space, but didn't want to miss out on the experience so I went anyway. While we were down there we saw a child's coffin among the men's coffins. I started to tear up thinking  of my little girl in this quiet world of the dead, so separate and distant from me.    Paradoxically, though, that quiet and seemingly lifeless place is there to testify of the hope of resurrection and of the ongoing life of those whose bodies, like seeds, have been planted in the ground.  Those bodies were there to say, in effect, "We live on and we're still one with you in the Lord."  Being in Mary Evelyn's world in the physical sense made me sad, but through the eyes of faith we look beyond to the world in which she now lives and where we will one day join her.

As the cold rainy morning turned to a  colder  windy afternoon,  we left the Lavra. On our way back to the metro we passed a beggar. I told Mark she looked more like a grandma  than a homeless person. She certainly looked sober. He went back and gave her some money. I watched her and I saw her cross herself three times as he  walked back to me. 

We found our way home and I was very thankful to find my passport on the table where I had carelessly left it.Now we are doing laundry and getting ready to go to the underground mall under Independence Square. We will buy a few presents for the children and get something to eat. Tomorrow, we'll get up early again to drive to Donetsk which is South east of Kyiv (Kiev). The train was not available and it seemed wiser to pay for the driver rather than flying so we are driving. It's another part of this adventure!
 
On Monday we'll meet the youngest boy and if it goes well we'll continue traveling,  probably by train,to meet the other two children in the Crimea.  We have been told that they are good children, healthy and no fetal alcohol syndrome so that is very good!  They have never been in trouble at the orphanage and have a grandma who visits them but can't take them on. We are looking forward to meeting them, but it has surprised us how much this experience has reopened our grief about Mary Evelyn and that has complicated things emotionally for us. If it doesn't go well and we don't feel comfortable with the boy,  we'll come back here and wait for another appointment to get a referral for different children.

Please pray that we will both feel the same way about the children and will make the right decision. We want to have open hearts, but do want to adopt children who will be a good fit for us and for whom we will be good parents.

    

Annunciation.   Thursday evening

After our last post, Mark and I walked in the drizzling rain to St Sophia's Cathedral so we could pray there. The entrance we used was for the museum and since it was late, we decided to leave and come back tomorrow so we could have the whole tour.  Leaving Saint Sophia's, I felt sad. I felt like I needed some holy wisdom and I felt distant from God. I know that when I feel distant from God, it's clearly my fault, but it can be hard to know what to do about it other than being still and praying 

We wanted to pray, so when we saw another cathedral nearby we went there. It is the cathedral of St Michael's and you can see it behind me in the photo. When we went in, I felt at home. There were chanters singing in Russian and I could understand a few phrases such as lord have mercy.  The church has a beautiful interior with lovely painted icons and candles burning. There were many people coming in to pray for a few minutes and then leaving. It was peaceful and calmed my spirit.

The first icon that Mark and I each noticed was the icon of the annunciation. Today is the "old calendar" feast of the annunciation. Maybe seeing that particular icon today, the day of our SDA appointment is a way that God is letting us know that we are going to be parents ( of three  redheaded kids!?). Maybe not, who can know the mind of God, but we both saw it a a good sign.

We are still worried, we both have headaches from the pollution and cigarette smoke everywhere,  we are  not at peace about  our path, but we have wonderful people helping us here and most importantly, even when we don't feel it and seem to be literally walking away from wisdom (Sophia), we are in God's hands and can choose to trust in His care.

Friday morning, updating from the Underground Mall

Last night Mark and I went to the Irish pub that is under our apartment for dinner. I had a delicious Irish stew which mark ordered fish in honor of annunciation. He wasn't a bit flustered when it arrived complete with scales and a mouthful of teeth. He said it was delicious, too.

We have a very nice apartment in a great location. We're next to the Golden Gate which is where the old gate to the city was. The gate has been rebuilt many times and is visible from our balcony.

We had crepes and cafe americano for breakfast and are having a leisurely morning. Ok, we slept in really late and are moving slow, but it's ok.

We'll stay in Kiev until Sunday evening so we'll have more time to sightsee and relax more before meeting the children. We expect to take an overnight train Sunday evening to the region where the orphanage is. We'll meet the youngest boy on Monday. wow!

Post Appointment Jitters

This morning we had our SDA appointment. Mark wore a suit and I wore my cute trench coat, silk scarf, black skirt and sweater and black boots. We looked lot more like everyone else and it was nice not to feel like sloppy tourists.

We walked with Sveta and Luda, our facilitators, over to the SDA and entered an unimpressive side door. We waited, standing in a small hallway, until we were called up. There were two official women who were there.  The first thing they said is that the office may be closing at any time and we may be one of the last couples to adopt for a long time. I wouldn't worry about that if you are in the process, it is bureaucracy  and those things probably happen Lot. So after talking about closing the office, they showed us file.They first showed us a file of three very cute and sweet looking little boys who were 6-8 and included a set of twins. Then they showed us a group of two boys and one girl ages 6, 8 and 9 who were not as cute because they looked unhappy and had sort of mean expressions. Last there was brother and sister but the sister is mentally handicapped.  We chose the two boys and one girl because they are the ones they recommended for us and we will be going to meet them next week.

Many of the blogs we've read said the parents felt sort of love at first sight for their kids and we didn't. It is very scary. What if's are all over my emotions. We talked of taking the three boys instead, but honestly, to redo Mary Evelyn's room again after working so hard on it breaks my heart. Maybe my heart needs to be broken some more, maybe judging the kids we chose from their photos is superficial and  not choosing the boys because I felt sad about losing the dream of having a daughter is selfish, but that is how I felt. I wasn't particularly drawn to either group.

We are trusting God, but feeling anxious. That seems like a contradiction, but it's the truth and they say there's no need for faith if you're not scared. I am scared that we'll come home with kids that will be too difficult for me because they won't love us or want to  be our kids and our home will become a war zone. Then again, we may come home with no kids.

I have hoped so much that God was leading us in this and tho I knew it would be hard, I thought if He was leading , He would pick out kids who would fit in well with us but maybe that's not how it works. Maybe how we feel just doesn't matter and it really  is just picking up our cross.

I didn't realize how much I was hoping for love at first sight, but after all,Mark and I knew each other for years before dating and we worked out.

The plan for now is to have our referral appointment tomorrow, then spend Saturday sightseeing in Kiev, and then  on Sunday travel to Donesk(?) to meet the little girl on Monday. The boys are at the Crimea on a rest (vacation?) so after meeting her we'll fly to the Crimea and meet the boys.

Please pray for us that we'll have wisdom in our decision. I am not easy on my heart about this.

   

We're really here

Mark and I are updating from an Internet cafe in Kiev. We're in a historic area just down the street from the cathedral of Saint Sofia. I'd post photos of that beautiful cathedral but we are having technical difficulties. You'll just have to imagine this lovely old street with the beautiful many domed cathedral, the Ukranian women who are all pretty and seem to wear black skirts as a uniform, the men who are all smoking and then me and Mark in our jeans with sleepy faces.
We had a great trip over with no real problems other than the plane was delayed in Frankfurt so the man who was expected to meet us when we disembarked in Kiev wasn't there but Mark and I simply got customer service to help us call our other contact and all was well. We met her right away and she took us to exchange currency, shop for a few groceries and then to our apartment which is spacious and in a great part of the city neat the historic section including cathedrals, Independence Square and the River.

Tomorrow is our big day when we go to the SDA and review files of potential children. Thank you for your prayers.

Sent from my iPad

Sowing with Tears

It's hard to leave one part of your life and transition to the next. Emotions want to linger and hold on to what is known and loved even when it's painful. We 've been struggling with dramatic changes over the last year, our fight with cancer, our loss and trying to find a way to heal. Our faith and our trust have helped. We try to do what is best at this moment and leave the results in God's hands.

 I've felt sad and worried about emotionally separating again from Mary Evelyn through the adoption of unknown kids. I was having a teary, fearful moment on Sunday when I found a note from my dovelet. It said: you are my BFF and my mommy.

The note, written in the last week of her life, felt very sweet to me.  My place with her and her place with me will never change no matter who else we love. Just as my love for Thomas was not diminished by my love for Mary Evelyn, the new kids will not take away from my love for my biological kids. But it feels like the end of something, maybe just the private grieving time. We'll be busy once we have the kids. It won't be the same and I don't want to let go but I know that is selfish. We are reminding ourselves that God asks us to care for orphans.  Our responsibility is to do what is in front of us and trust Him to take care of us. 

Psalm 126 vs 5-6 those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.  

We understand about the tears and as Mark said, the real end of this story is us seeing Mary Evelyn in heaven so no matter what, we have that joy to look forward to.

Sometimes it's hard to believe we are doing this. The preparations have kept us so busy it's been hard to find time to process everything in my mind. It took a lot of work to get the house ready and get the paperwork and other necessary items for the adoption complete. I had to go to three banks just to get the cash we need to pay for everything in Ukraine ( you only bring cash - it seems crazy but that is how it works)  and then a fourth bank to swap the money out for new, uncreased bills.It's a lot of bills.

There was a list of suggested supplies to shop for before we left. I  brought  craft activities,  UNO, and sketch pads for three kids so we can keep them occupied. I also packed dramamine, tylenol and things like that for them. We're bringing a couple six 6-8 shirts for girls or boys because that may be the right age, but since we don't know who we're getting  we're going to have to go shopping in Ukraine for most of their clothes. We couldn't resist packing some little chocolate Easter bunnies and other treats, too.

Cindy arrived at our house on time this morning and kept us on task. She kept reminding us of the time and helping us finish up lose ends. She dropped us off at the airport on time where we were met by Rebecca, Father Jacob's wife. She walked with us to the security checkpoint where she hugged us goodbye. So far, the only problem has been  that the foot on Mark's carry-on bag up broke off before we even leftbeing house. It's brand new. On well. It's a small thing.

It's not like we have to think about moving Mary Evelyn's grave or something. Wait, we are dealing with that, but that issue is being dealt with by our attorney so I'm attempting to let it go as much as I can. I feel like I have enough going on without that drama, but there it is. 

Mark has just learned how to say Меня тошнит. That means, "I'm going to throw up!"  Such a useful phrase. I did pack leftover but unused throw up bags because the kids all throw up. It must be very scary to them and also they are not used to traveling so when they get on the bumpy roads they all say"Меня тошнит".   

We've started our Ukrainian adventure. Hope is having the sleepover party of her dreams with her buddy Roxy (jamie's dog) ,  Redcat is pouting under the neighbor's deck, and hopefully Mary Evelyn is smiling at us from heaven. 

Pleas continue praying for us that we will be able to pick out children who will be sweet and will benefit from being in our family.