Views from the Frying Pan

I was complaining about my life to my brother and he said that when he looks out his window, he sees the ocean and beautiful mountains. He’s an artist and he lives on a lovely island not too far from Seattle. He gains perspective from his serene view because he chooses to focus on the good and the lovely.

We’ve had some tumultuous times lately, but we try to focus on the positive. Andrew and Nadia are both doing very well and, if anything, are enjoying “good rabbit” status.

Nadia had ten days at Aunt Angela’s house and it was English and girl immersion. She had a few little bumps on the trip but Angela set them straight and Nadia returned home happier than I’ve ever seen her.

While she was gone, the boys had a lot of fun too. The high point was getting to go camping with Daddy and Uncle Ray. They went to the North Georgia Mountains and had a wonderful time hiking, swimming, and sleeping outside. They found a waterfall off the beaten path and hiked a little on the Appalachian trail.

I reveled in my solitude and felt happier and more at peace than I had in a long time.

Mark and the boys returned on Sunday night, so we started school again Monday morning.

Feeling refreshed, I launched into a fun lesson. We began with a nonfiction story about the race to be the first at the South Pole. I went over background info with a globe and even let them watch a clip of Sponge Bob opposite day to illustrate the concept of opposite (since the seasons are opposite on opposite hemispheres).

We did a short reading lesson and then I sent Nick off to do math, while I helped Andrew write a story about their camping trip. We use math on the computer and he is highly successful. I told him to do an hour--half now and half later--because I want to hurry him along to get on grade level. He’s almost 14 and is doing 4^th grade math.

He cheerfully went into the other room but then called to me that the computer wasn’t working. Oddly enough, it was the same malfunction that had happened on his math last week. Hmmm.

Last week I struggled and struggled to fix it and finally just let him skip a disk so he could keep working.

This week, I looked at the back of both disks. Disk #2 had a little scratch. Disk #3 had scratches all over it, like a child wanted to ruin it.

He firmly denied it, even a little offended at being accused, but I knew what had happened. I called Mark and he came home from work. As soon as Mark asked him what he did to the disk, Nick owned up to scratching it. We sent him to his room for the week (he comes out for food& bathroom and he got the day off for the 4^th of July, but we did not resume the easy going love fest that we used to have).  He also cannot swim for the rest of the summer and must pay us back the $100. Sound strict? We need to be strict or risk losing control altogether. He must see that his duplicitous, deceptive behavior and his lying do not pay. He must see that destroying other people’s property has severe consequences.

The 4 disk set costs $100 ( just bought them  a couple weeks ago) and now two of the disks are ruined, but that is not as bad as the fact that he did it twice, watched me struggle to try to fix it the first time- which seems cruel, and lied. All that is bad but what worried me even more was that when we spoke to him about it, he was impassive. No emotions. Not sorry, not upset about his punishment, just kind of stoic and almost… cheerful.  Isn’t that kind of like some criminals? Maybe it’s just a manly survival skill, I don’t know, but he’s lied so much, I feel like the police, not the mama, and I’ve only know him for a few months…yikes.

When you adopt older kids, you are almost certainly going to have to deal with their baggage. Cute and sweet can be real or it can be manipulation, but either way you’d better be prepared for trouble. It’s easy to think that you can help someone and change their life, but really, there is only so much you can do unless they want to change and to be helped. In the process, your life and home may become turned upside down. Maybe it’s a good idea to volunteer with foster kids or juvenile delinquents first to see how you handle it before you’re handling it inside your own home.

Just sayin’

Nick’s problems are not unusual for a teenager, especially one from a troubled background, but it is extra hard for us to deal with because we are still fragile from Mary Evelyn’s sickness and death, and, if we’re honest, we were spoiled by her—a little girl of whom her classmates remembered, “she never told a lie”.  After that, a lying child is like an icy dagger in the heart.

Someone suggested sending Nick to a boot camp type place where they tear down the bad habits and rebuild the kids with strong values, faith and good habits and skills. Maybe, but we thought what he really needs are parents and a family…. He’s already had the orphanage which was very strict. We’re looking into counseling through Bethany Christian Services and also asking to meet regularly with the Ukrainian priest.

Later, when I couldn’t sleep, I thought: that is what grief and adoption are doing to me: Emotional Boot Camp. I feel torn down; emotionally, physically and in my personhood. I hope that God will help rebuild me, whoever I am.  I prayed for Him to help me.

The next morning, a woman called me. I’ve only met her once before, but as we talked about our kids, she said, “What can I do to help? I want to help you.” I almost cried on the phone. She is a wise person and I’m looking forward to meeting with her and hearing her ideas. I’m not expecting magic, I just appreciate her kindness.

Since then, I’ve gotten a letter from my sweet cousin in NY, phone calls from friends and family (like my brother) and Miss Cindy and Jerry took Andrew for a day of fun, so somehow, the days have been filled with love.

I feel encouraged and strengthened. I remember that I used to have an emotional view that was serene and happy, (did I?) or at least I lived with a little girl who rolled that way and learned a lot from her.

We told the kids that we are planning on enrolling them in Public School this fall. Nadia is anxious about it because she suddenly realizes she doesn’t know enough English and reading to be a success there. She’s also shy so going to public school scares her.  Andrew is expressing fears about being about to do the work in fourth grade. Nick doesn’t show that he cares, but as for me? I feel like a kid let out of school. I teased the kids that I’m going to drop them off and eat chocolates and sleep on the sofa all day while they work.

Suddenly, Nadia and Andrew want to learn and ask to do school work. I’m doing shorter lessons when requested, but keeping my services a hot commodity.

I told them that I may change my mind and teach them at home later if they really want me to, but I’m not changing my mind any time soon.

Meanwhile, the boys are headed off the camp this week and they will be busy all day in a great environment. The next week they go to camp at the Russian church in Roswell, so again they will be busy. Then there are only a couple weeks left of summer vacation before the happy drop off day.

Chocolates and a good book, here I come.