Saying see ya later

On Monday when the kids came in the room I noticed that they already looked a little healthier and more confident. It is amazing what a little attention and a lot of hope can do to transform a child. It'll be wonderful to see what they are like six months from now. Andrew started out more confident and healthy looking six months ago, but the transformation he's had has been dramatic.



As we were greeting them, guess who came in the room on a flimsy pretext? Edjick of course. We showed them all the photos from Sunday and were starting a puzzle and English lessons when Ruslan's teacher came in with a cell phone. Their sister was on the phone and was trying to talk them out of being adopted. They both insisted to her that they want to go. It 's much more emotionally complicated to adopt kids with living relatives because in Ukraine, when you lose custody, you still get to visit. The parents cannot take them because they neglected them so badly they lost their rights four years ago and the siblings don't want to take them. Nadia and Ruslan want a fresh start and it is their decision to go with us or stay, and they have clearly said they want to go.

After the phone call, the kids seemed even more set on going, if that is possible. They spent the next several hours with us and it was the most comfortable visit. After a while, Luda went to do paperwork and file for a court date. Edjick went back to class. We all went outside and the boys had a snowball fight with about 25 kids. I think the kids especially loved playing with Mark .

Sasha #3 from our summer visit was there and he looked sad. I felt bad that we hadn't come back for him too, but we have our hands full and don't even know if he's available. Luda is going to find out in case we can find a family for him. He is a very nice boy; of course, the school is loaded with nice kids who need homes.

Nadia and I walked around the outside of the school and she took me into a dark hallway, the one where Andrew drank out of the dirty pickle jar last summer, but Nadia brought me there so she could show me the handcrafts room. Ukrainian kids learn traditional crafts at school.



The boys were still throwing snowballs, but were getting tired of it. They went back to the soccer field and built a huge snowman. Andrew was so hot he took his jacket off and I'm thankful he didn't get sick by getting so wet out there.



We went back to the visiting room for English lessons. Nadia and Ruslan are both making good progress. As darkness fell, Luda called to say our court date will be Feb. 7 th. On the court date, the kids become ours but there is a formality of a ten day waiting period until we can take them home so we'll make two more short trips to Ukraine. For this trip, we were done with all paperwork except for a couple signatures needed at the Regional office.

Luda picked us up at the school and we said good bye to two happy kids who gave us big, loving hugs. After signing in the book at the Regional office a a quick pizza, we packed up and drove to Kiev. We arrived at the airport at 3:30 am and got on our plane at 5:30. We flew to Frankfurt, where there was a five hour layover before boarding another plane to go home to Atlanta. We're arriving at 4:30 which is 11:30 pm in Ukraine, so all told, our return trip has taken 27 hours.


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Vespers Saturday night was long yet lovely. Like the school, and many other places, it was still decorated for Christmas and the Christmas tree, lights and greenery were pretty in the dark candlelit service.

At the end of the service, I noticed Edjick, the boy with the sad face who said "I want mother " to me last year. He was looking at me with his sweet, sad yearning eyes and I considered putting him in my suitcase and smuggling him home on the spot.

After church, we returned to the hotel for a good night's sleep and in the morning, Mark had the helpful idea of prepping for our next visit by planning get to know you questions. We thought them up at the hotel over lunch which was a platter of delicious Ukrainian specialties: sausage, grilled pork, fried potato pancakes, varanickes, pickles and pickled tomatoes. Yum! (except the pickled tomatoes were not so yum to me)

We were greeted at the school by two happy and more confident looking kids and were joined for most of the visit by Edjick who just appeared and stayed. He is one of Ruslan's roommates and probably would like to be a brother.



We asked some silly questions and some serious ones. One was "who is your hero?" Ruslan surprised us by eventually coming up with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He explained that he saw a movie where Arnold saved his daughter and he liked that. When it was Andrew's turn, Edjick piped in that Andrew's heroes are the Power Rangers. We laughed because it's true. Nadia got very quiet and reserved and couldn't come up with anyone. I said that Mary Evelyn is my hero because she was so brave and joyful in her sufferings. They all remembered about Mary Evelyn, even Edjick mentioned that she didn't have hair. I showed them a photo I carry of her in my wallet and they looked closely at her beautiful face. Nadia said she could see the joy in her smile and it occurred to me that Mary Evelyn had something these children didn't have, a mommy, daddy and family who encircled her with great love her whole life so that even thought she had a great battle to fight, she did it surrounded by love. These kids have their own challenges and although they are cared for, they've had to endure deep rejection from their family. Tears started in my eyes and Nadia moved close to me.
Mark said his mother is his hero because she never says an unkind word about or to anyone. It's true- I wickedly tried to get her to say something not nice about Osama bin Laden and she found a way not to.

Later we went outside and the three boys had a snowball fight with Mark.



Edjick didn't have gloves so part of the time he wore Mark's and part of the time he wore mine. Nadia and I had a chance to talk a little with Luda translating. Nadia seems like a sensible girl. She said that everything will go well as long as they obey us. I agreed and wanted her to know that we are strict, but also loving. Nadia is worried because she is so far behind in school.

It was a good visit. With each day we've come to know and love our new children more and have been so happy to see how they are already remarkably open to receive our love. Andrew is Mr. Bundle-o-love nowadays, and even he was more reserved in his expressions to us at first than these two have been. Of course he didn't know us at all, and the two got to know us some before, but it is clear that happy times and lots of love are ahead for all.

Of course, they picked us out.




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Fresh Snow and New Names

We visited Nadia and Ruslan yesterday and it was a little easier. Ruslan's face glows with happiness and he and Andrew are double trouble. They have a lot of fun together. Nadia is more guarded,but is friendly in a quiet teenage way.

We practiced English with them and gave them more simple gifts. Ruslan worked on his Rubik's cube and Nadia liked the silver K initial necklace and put it on. We told them about their new names and Ruslan was very happy about it: Nicholas Ruslan King but Nadia was shocked when she heard hers: Nadia Leonora King. I quickly said it could be a different name, and am not sure if it was the name, or just the concept of a new name that bothered her. If she wanted to change Nadia, or have something besides Leonora, that would have been fine, but she clammed up and said it was fine.

As we left the school, the boys had a snowball fight before making a big snowman. The snow was fresh and beautiful. We giggled in the cool outside air and I could envision this being fun.



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Brokenness

Sometimes I worry that I'm too broken to be a good adoptive mother. My own grief and loss over the death of my daughter are so recent and hurt so much, how can I offer much to these children? I look at other adoption blogs and it can look like happy family picnics with brand new family members happily frolicking in the sunshine like puppies and I don't feel that way.The adoption process is very emotional for me. I'm afraid of greater distance from the family I used to have(Mary Evelyn) and am afraid of the new family relationships and opening myself up-especially to a teenage girl!

Looking around the orphanage, I see brokenness everywhere. It's a great school, clean, attractive with loving teachers, but every child living there has come from a tragic situation and a broken family. Some of them have sad eyes which express they way they're pining for love. Others have a cheerful bravado - trying to show strength and independence.

Nadia brought family photos to share with us yesterday. I looked at the photos of her parents and felt such sadness at their loss. I have lost a daughter too, but to loose a daughter out of neglect and bad choices is a different burden.

Nadia and Ruslan's mom and sister have complained about the adoption to the authorities. They called the school and said they were against it, but when asked if they would take the kids themselves, they said of course not. Family members have been calling Nadia trying to talk her out of it. They say, " you don't speak English, you don't know these people, how can you leave your family and your country?"

I'm glad they are calling and asking her these things because it forces her to think it through now, although it must be very stressful and hard for her and it's a shame that a child should have to deal with such things. All of those questions are things that Nadia and Ruslan need to be sure of before they are adopted and it's good for them to sure of their choice. Because they have been visiting their family, Nadia and Ruslan need to tell them about this and not just disappear which is what I think they were hoping to do.

It's good for the family to know now so that there has been no deceit. They have the opportunity to speak with the children and hear what they think. No one is pressuring Nadia and Ruslan to come, it is entirely up to them to decide this and they want to come. The family can't say we tricked them or stole their children. It also give Nadia an opportunity to grow by being honest about her situation and making a powerful choice to make her life better.

I know I'm a broken mom and maybe I don't have the gifts and light heartedness to create a perfect home, but I'm adopting kids who are broken, too. Each of my kids had a hard burden to bear as a child, and Nadia and Ruslan do too, but maybe it's just that my eyes are open to the reality of brokeness. Mark said it's like the movie The Others where the woman doesn't realize that she and her children are the ghosts- all of us in this world are broken, no one has the perfect frolic in the sun family life.it's up to us to make the most we can of our lives, in God's grace, by taking broken hearts and loving each other into a place of greater wholeness.


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When Nadia and Ruslan entered the room, I felt a little shy but I wanted to reassure them so I hugged them tightly. They both look so small and young. They were happy to see us, but we could see that Nadia looked stressed. She keeps her emotions controlled, but there was a tightness in her face. Luda explained that their biological mother was downstairs. Oh my.

She had come to visit them and was waiting to see them. They visited with us first. We gave them each some simple presents. Ruslan got a Monopoly game and Nadia got a pink heart shaped pillow, some monkey slippers and a valentine t-shirt. Nadia hugged the pillow to her throughout the visit. It must have been very hard day for her.

The Regional Director came in the room and asked everyone what their decision was. We all said yes. Then, we had to go to the Director's office to give a formal yes. When asked, Ruslan immediately shot out a firm and certain "tak!" (yes!); Nadia started a rambling answer, but the official immediately interrupted her and said "yes, or no?" to which she responded "tak". This is clearly much more traumatic for her, which is understandable; indeed, it would be a bad sign if she felt nothing in such a momentous situation.

When that was done, we sat on a bench outside his office while the paperwork process got started in earnest. There must be mountains of procedures and paperwork.



We returned to the visiting room and were soon playing monopoly with Andrew and Ruslan. Ruslan was banker and can add and subrtract very quickly. He seemed to understand what we were saying as we explained the game. He must be very smart. Andrew's big heart showed when Ruslan overspent and Andrew kept wanting to give him money--it was just killing him to see poor Ruslan in financial straits while he was rolling in cash. They are very cute together.


Nadia spent much of the day visiting her mother and having difficult conversations, I'm sure. The Director also spoke with their mother and told her that we were there to adopt them and bring them to America. We didn't meet or see her. Ruslan saw their mother for a little while but spent most of the day with us. He and Andrew are very happy about being brothers and it was great to see how much the three children love each other.

Ruslan and Nadia are social orphans. They have living parents and a family, including adult brothers and sisters, but their family has left them to grow up here in the orphanage after neglecting to take care of them at home and then losing their parental rights years ago. Nadia and Ruslan need and want parents, a family and a home.When we adopt them, we expect that they may want to stay in touch with their family here, to one degree or another. It's a little like an open adoption in that they will live with us but be able to maintain some contact with their family here. Reality is with such a bad history and such great distance and little contact, it will be a diminishing relationship at most.

Other kids kept peeking in the room. We are giving the kids a lot to talk about. One girl even asked about my new auburn hair! Perhaps would have liked to have had more private time to spend with just our kids, but it was OK.

I was tired, hungry and exhausted by the time we left the school. It was dinnertime and since we'd skipped lunch, we went straight to our favorite pizza place. After a relaxing dinner, we checked into our old hotel and I was happy to crawl into the clean, comfy bed.I was emotionally exhausted and would have cried except Andrew was right there on his comfy, soft futon. Mark said some encouraging things to me and that helped. I knew that I was overwrought so I changed my focus by reading a gripping book until I fell asleep.

This morning, we had a nice breakfast at the Hotel before driving over to the school. Nadia and Ruslan are getting medical exams, Luda is immersed in paperwork and Andrew is happily visiting his old class. This quiet time gave me chance to write this (with Mark's input.)

I wonder what adventure is coming today. More relatives? Some unforeseen drama? Maybe we'll be lucky and just have another happy monopoly game.


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Food, Fun and a Road Trip....

Andrew loves food and was happy to get to eat at the Ukrainian Piccadily Puzatta-Hatta ("Fat Hut"). I followed him through the line and copied his order, except I got a little less. It was fun hearing him order in his new half Ukrainian/half English mix. He usually gets the first few word out in Ukrainian and then unconsciously switches to English because he is more comfortable speaking English now.






After dinner, we went back outside and saw a big Carousel. Andrew said he'd never gotten to ride one before. It was fun seeing his delighted face as he rode on the pony. I'm so glad he's still enough of a little boy to get such pleasure out of something so simple.






We were with new friends we met on the airplane. They are adopting through Reece's Rainbow. Reece's Rainbow helps people find and adopt special needs children mostly children with Down's syndrome but also children with physical disabilities such as hearing impairment and illnesses including cancer.

We were all staying near the Irish pub so we stopped by there on the way home. Andrew got a big piece of cheesecake, but I got something better. Mark took a photo of me with my happy White Russian:





The next day, we had a quiet morning before need to change apartments. The landlady and her son helped us carry our suitcases to the new tiny apartment few blocks away. We asked for cheaper places so we are getting smaller apartments than last time. We settled into our new place. Mark was able to work, Andrew enjoyed watching Ukrainian tv and I read on my kindle. Soon it was time to walk back to the SDA to sign for the referral. That was an easy process. It was getting dark when we came out and snowing. We wanted to get coffee, but decided to stop by St. Michael's first. As we walked there, Mark and Andrew threw snowballs at each other and I pretended I didn't know them. Suddenly, we heard the church bells ringing in an especially festive way and remembered it was the Vespers of Theophany (Epiphany).I loved hearing the bells calling us to church and walking throughout the snowy street lit with beautiful Christmas lights made it even better.



After church, we had dinner and then did a little shopping on the way home. I was wearing white gloves from Target that left glittery white lint on my coat. I tried to pretend It was happy pixie dust from Mary Evelyn in heaven but it bothered me. Thankfully, I've spent enough time in Kiev that I had a good guess of where to go to get new gloves and a lint roller. It was very satisfying to walk into the department store and make my purchases. I felt almost native.






That night, Andrew and I couldn't sleep. Andrew's bed was a hard little couch and he tossed and turned. Mark wisely took a sleeping pill at midnight. I thought I'd be able to sleep, but I couldn't. We were planning to get up at 4:15 and the hours dragged by. At 12:52 I was startled when the Skype phone rang. I was worried that something was wrong, but it was just Mike and Angela calling to let me know my puppy wanted to say hi! They had forgotten about the time change. It was so good to see their familiar, happy faces. It made me feel a lot better.

I laid back down and tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I was too burdened with my thoughts and emotions. At 3:00, the phone rang again. It was Thomas. I was glad to hear his voice. When I teased him about calling me in the middle of the night, he explained that my Skype was saying I was online and he also forgot about the time change. He thought it was the opposite and that it was morning for us. I had taken the iPad into the bathroom to talk to Thomas without bothering Mark and it was cute when Andrew crowded in with me so he could say hello too. Andrew was wide awake and had been tossing and turning just like me.

After saying goodbye to Thomas, I gave Andrew a snack. I quizzed him on multiplication which immediately made him tired and then told him we would race to see who first got to sleep. That worked for him and he slept, but I was still awake when the alarm went off.

Leo and Luda arrived at 5:45 and we climbed into the van for the 5 hour drive to Kovel. Andrew made a bed in the backseat and I snuggled with Mark. Soon we both got some good sleep.

When I woke up, we were driving on icy, snowy but smooth roads through the beautiful Ukrainian countryside. It was snowing outside and just getting light.
We arrived in Kovel by midmorning and went to the familiar regional office to get the paperwork. It was nice go see the kind, friendly people who helped us last time and they enjoyed seeing our Andrew and how happy and healthy he is.

We soon drove to the orphanage to meet with the Director. He was very warm and friendly. It was sweet to see how happy he was to see Andrew. Andrew showed him the photo book we made as a gift for him. It has photos of Andrew's life from June to the present showing family, church, school, friends and baseball! Andrew could hardly speak enough Ukrainian to explain anything to him, so Luda needed to help. I think it gave him some good reassurance about Andrew's new life and we gave him the book to keep as a gift.

The Director was happy for us to adopt Nadia and Ruslan so all is well from that side. He said he will help us with the process. It was nice to see him and the other people at the orphanage again and especially to see how they love Andrew.

At last we were shown to that same room where we played with Andrew the morning we met him, and there we waited for Nadia and Ruslan.


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An Easy SDA appointment! Really!

We went for breakfast this morning at my favorite coffee shop and sat at the table with the "empty chair". It's kinda fun to be back here together walking on these familiar snowy streets.

Mark spent the afternoon drilling Andrew on his multiplication facts and I spent it writing until suddenly it was time for our SDA appointment. We hurried over and were happy to greet Svetta and Luda outside. Once in the building, it was nice to not feel any stress or worry about what kids we were getting. Instead, we greeted the adoption specialist with thanks for her help in selecting Andrew with us. It was nice for her to meet him and to see him explain the photo book we brought of his first six months in America. It was funny to hear him speaking with an English/Ukrainian salad of words. He'd start off in Ukrainian, but a few words into a sentence would switch into English.

We selected Nadia and Ruslan and will return to the SDA tomorrow to sign the referral.

After our appointment, Mark and Andrew started throwing snowballs at each other.









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Back in Kiev!

After our 17 hour journey,It was nice to be greeted by Svetta and Leo at the airport. We're back in Kiev in our original first day apartment over the Irish pub. It's snowing and cold outside but since it's fresh snow, everything looks lovely.it's supposed to be very cold and snowy every day for the duration of our trip.

We are going to take a short nap before heading out to our favorite pizza place and then go early to bed. Hopefully we'll adjust quickly to the time change.

Andrew was excited to see some of his favorite foods in the grocery store. We let him pick out a couple things he especially likes such as balogna and a chocolate cake roll. It's interesting to hear him speaking here, he's mixing up English with Russian/Ukrainian. He prefers speaking English. He's been a good boy on the trip and likes to carry my bags- at least until they get heavy after a minute or two of good intentions.

I'm feeling a little stressed about being back here. I noticed my hands were clenched in the van. As my thought started spiraling down a little, I found a kopek from heaven in the bathroom.

That cheered me up.

I'll update more later when I'm not so sleepy!

Plans and Preparations

Mark and I have made our lists of things to do and buy before we go. One thing we almost forgot was Andrew's passport. Fortunately you can get one right away at the passport office in Atlanta so it's not a problem. The trip feels much easier the second time because there are less unknowns.There are restaurants and coffee shops I like in Kiev and Kovel and we even have a favorite church in each city. The women in Kiev dress very nicely, so to fit in I should be bringing black leather high heeled boots, but I'm bringing sensible snow boots like anyone in New Jersey would wear to the ShopRite. I don’t want to advertise that I’m an American, but my feet are important to me. I am packing a beautiful black coat so I’ll have part of the local look. The Ukrainians may think I’m a Ukrainian woman who sadly has foot problems.

I set aside clothes and drawer space in Andrew's room for Ruslan from the beginning so we're prepared for him. I’ll find out his shoe size when I’m there. A few friends and relatives have given me some clothes that we think will fit Nadia and I bought a beautiful gray woolen coat for her. It’s fun and scary to be getting clothes for a teenage girl. Just like with Andrew, we have to have complete outfits for them when they leave the orphanage and I want Nadia to feel pretty.

Our appointment will be Tuesday, January 17th so Mark, Andrew and I will fly on Sunday, January 15th to Kiev. We’ll arrive Monday morning and settle in for two nights in Kiev. After our appointment on Tuesday, there is a follow up appointment Wednesday for the referral giving us permission to go see Nadia and Ruslan. When we have signed for the referral, we’ll drive out to Kovel so we can see the kids on Thursday.

Thursday will be a busy day of meeting with adoption officials, orphanage Director and seeing the kids. We can’t wait to see their happy faces! It’ll be nice for everyone to see Andrew and they will be able to see how happy and healthy he is. He’ll also be able to reassure Nadia and Ruslan about what life with us is like in case they are scared. He can also translate for us a little although he says he's forgotten alot of Ukrainian.

We’ll visit again on Friday but also be busy filing paperwork, signing documents and driving from notary to court to orphanage and back again.I think we’ll be back in Kiev to submit papers by Monday or Tuesday and then we can go home. Mark and Andrew will definitely go home; I may stay if it is a short time in between then and the court date. I don’t mind having a quiet week by myself in Kiev if it’ll save $800. I can settle in with good books on kindle and enjoy the peace, but if it’s much longer than a week, I’m coming home too. I am doing better balancing my grief over Mary Evelyn with finding purpose and joy in life but don't want to stretch myself too hard.

Mark and I both have to be there for court, but that trip may only be three days. Then we’ll both come home to wait until we can go back and pick up the kids.I may go on the last trip by myself. Luda and her husband Leo will be with me so it’ll be fun and maybe even easy. I’ll just need to follow directions and sign lots of things. I hope to take the kids to the Lavra Monastery, beautiful churches and an opera or ballet while we're in Kiev waiting to go home. 

Hopefully, I’ll be back in Atlanta with the kids by the end of February.

Father Jacob has insisted to me that I update the blog more regularly this time so I will try to post a lot.

Hopefully, it won’t be the emotional rollercoaster this time and you’ll get sleepy reading it.

Mark, Andrew and I will be travelling to Ukraine on January 15th. Mark and Andrew will go with me for the first five-seven days and then either we’ll all come home or I’ll stay on in Kovel for the next few weeks by myself at the clean and pleasant hotel with the loud nightlife. The adoption has of course in the works for months, but the reality is hitting home in new ways now and I’m glad to say I’m surprisingly less nervous than I expected to be.

I’m dreading that final push to clean out Mary Evelyn’s closet a little more, I’m a bit on edge about the possibility of messing up the happy family we have with just Andrew at home by adding two somewhat unknowns, but mostly I’m looking forward to this new chapter, new adventure and new chance to give amazing opportunities to two children who have spent a non-childhood in multiple orphanages.

It’s a different challenge to bond with teens, but we already have some experience with it. When Mark and I had been married for a few months, he adopted my biological son Thomas who was 15. Thomas and Mark were like peas and carrots for the next few years. I remember how excited Thomas was about having a father for the first time in his life. Just because your parent is alive doesn’t mean they are able or perhaps willing to be a real parent to you. The teenage years are so tumultuous that having a parent who loves you and will take the time to walk through those ups and downs with you is a great gift.

Bonding with kids who are from a different culture, speak another language and have suffered severe neglect (and who knows what else) will be a greater challenge than bonding with a child from a loving home who simply needed one more parent. There are many things we simply don’t know about their lives and birth family, and I imagine they will need lots of love.

I’m considering home schooling the older two to give them more time in a parent-child relationship and to hopefully move forward academically as quickly as possible. Fayette County Schools have been very good for Andrew and Mary Evelyn. I was impressed by the way Mary Evelyn’s needs were always addressed in pro-active and loving ways. She was hearing impaired and received lots of extra help for that from the first day of kindergarten. Once her cancer was back, the school did everything possible to support our family. Andrew has had a similarly supportive and loving environment at his school, as appropriate for his needs. These positive experiences give me confidence that if homeschooling is not right for us, we have a great back up plan in sending them to public school.

If any of you have resources to suggest or know of someone who has adopted older kids, I’d love to hear your advice.

Our translator said that the kids told her they just couldn’t wait any longer.I’m glad they don’t have to. Hopefully, I’ll be back with them by Valentine's Day