Turning 18 and going back to Ukraine.... finding home where the heart is.....

I've dreaded and put off writing this but today is the day.

 Today is Nadia's 18th birthday.

The last post I wrote mocks me just a little. It was about Nadia and her gratitude and affection for her new family. Unfortunately, that sunshine was short lived. Within a few weeks of writing that, her stress and unhappiness was back and it increased during the winter and early spring until finally, in frustration, we asked her if she was even interested in being part of our family and she said, “No.”

She said she was not interested in being part of our family. We’re nice people, but she didn’t feel at home here.

She was not interested in learning our language. It was hard, too hard.

She was not interested in our country; she missed her country, her people. She was not interested in getting an education not here, not anywhere.

She wanted to go back to Ukraine, and she’d be acting that way almost the whole time she’d been here, so it seemed that was what she should do.

We arranged it for her because it seemed to be the most loving thing we could do. We called our adoption agency, but they were not helpful ( understandably because it's the opposite of what they do), so then we called the Ukrainian embassy and asked them what we could do. They said that it is fairly common for older teens to struggle with adjusting to a new family, culture and language and that about 25% of the time, they choose to go back to Ukraine and that is perfectly legal. When she entered Ukraine, at 17, almost 18, she’d be an adult there. Children who are adopted from Ukraine have dual citizenship. They do not lose citizenship by coming here or going there, or by turning 18, but it would be advantageous for her to enter as a Ukrainian citizen so she used her Ukrainian passport to go back. (She does not have an American passport.) By entering as a Ukrainian, she should be eligible for their welfare and housing assistance if she needs it. We thought about reversing the adoption, but that is a long, complicated and expensive process, similar to the adoption process and even though it would give her a fresh start, and give her back her name,  it was too much to do.

We told her she could go back when school was out for the summer. We thought it would give her time to really think it out and also give her a sense of completion and of accomplishment even though the credits are basically meaningless now.

She never looked back. She was suddenly happy, distant to us, but happy and light of heart.

She had written to her family, back when we first adopted her, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back when I’m 18”. Before we adopted her, she had been told that she could legally return to Ukraine when she turned 18. We had all been told that you have to choose your country at 18, but that is not accurate. They retain both citizenships indefinitely. That idea, of going back at 18, gave her the courage to come, but then thwarted her from doing the hard work of adjusting to life here and in time, helped motivate her to leave.

It would be very hard to be adopted at 16, almost 17, and although their parents lost custody five years earlier, Nick and Nadia had spent every school holiday with their family. I’m not sure why she pursued being adopted, but she intended to return from the beginning. Maybe it was a  fantasy for her. Maybe once we arrived to adopt her and it all became real she didn’t know how to get out of it. I wondered at the time if she really wanted to come, but every time I had someone ask her, she assured them that yes she wanted to go. I couldn’t say, no, I won’t adopt this one, she’s not enthusiastic enough, but my instincts were right: she was not on board with the plan.

For the month that she waited before going back, many people asked her what her plans were. She had none. Where will you live? How will you earn money? All of those questions met with immature answers, but we knew that she had two adult sisters and two adult brothers who had always taken Nadia and Nick for holidays. Things had gotten so bad here, in that her unhappiness was so ingrained, that it seemed going back might be just what she needed. Otherwise I expected her to run away, which she had done from the orphanage a few times and from her family many times.

After buying her plane ticket, I helped her figure out the train route to get to her oldest sister’s house and sure enough, that’s where she is.

It felt uncomfortable to let her go back, but it’s probably best for her and for us. We had Nick call his sister Nastia to be sure Nadia arrived OK and Nastia asked Nick to pass this on, “Tell your parents thank you for letting Nadia come back to us. We’re so glad she’s home.” Nick mentioned that Mark was right there, and she added, “Thank you, Mark, for adopting Nicholas.”

I had told Nadia that she should tell her family how much she loved and missed them. She gave me a disgusted look, but maybe she followed my advice. Love brings healing, and her sister sounded truly sweet and thankful on the phone.

Today is Nadia’s 18^th birthday and she’s back in Ukraine with her biological family. When we took her to the airport, we told her not to look back, to look forward and to build a great life. I hope that the kindness of the many people who reached out to her here and the love we tried to give her will have some kind of a positive impact for her and that she will build herself a great life. She had some money, a lot of great clothes, and a happy smile  as she went. I'm sure it is hard for her over there, but she was never going to accept being here.

I know I’ve learned a lot from watching her. It’s been very hard for me to move forward with my life since my little girl died of cancer, but having seen what it looks like to not move forward, to hold pain like an old ragged security blanket and not accept the healing and gifts that are offered in this life, I’m trying hard to live and make more of my life without being smothered by grief. I have grief, but I try to let it motivate me to reach out and not to withdraw inside myself so much.

In the six weeks since she's been gone, I expected to feel guilty because it didn't work out, but I don't. I thought I'd feel guilty because it was very hard for me to adjust to having a new daughter in Mary Evelyn's room, and in our family. I know that I was not as accepting and open as a non-grieving mom could be, but I was the one God gave her.  God knew my heart and my struggles better than I did. Maybe I was being protected by the walls she put up, maybe she was given this time in our home, not to become our daughter, but for something else.  It seems that there was nothing we could have done to make it work out and by letting her go, we empowered her to start her life where she wanted to be. Maybe it was the only way for Nick to come here and by having Nadia spend this time it helped his biological family feel that Nick is Ok here, that he is loved and at home.

Whatever the reasons, it's done now and everyone seems to be where they belong.

The Boys:

The boys didn't seem surprised or upset by Nadia's decision. Nick is excited about getting her bedroom and I've repainted it for him. I'm sure they miss her, but over all we've been happier now that there is no stress in the home. They are fine. They are happy, well-adjusted and they love us. We have become a family.  They have done very well in school (yay public school!)and  are active in church.  They love their big brother Thomas, his wife, and all of our extended family and  in turn they are loved everywhere they go.

Nicholas won an award at his school for being the hardest working and having the best attitude in eighth grade. He is the sunshine of our family. He’s an upbeat, hardworking type A and he makes things happen, but always in a positive way. He’s still short, but is growing. He is smart, scary smart, and creative.

Andrew is a sweet teddy bear. He is kind, loving and caring. I love watching him greet and hug people at church. He especially loves babies. He still wants to be a fireman, but also like the idea of teaching Social Studies because he loves learning about history.

They are both smart, good boys, we’ve been through a lot with them and have had to balance love and strict discipline, but it’s been an amazing outcome.

Home truly is where the heart is and I hope our hearts continue to grow together.