Brokenness

Sometimes I worry that I'm too broken to be a good adoptive mother. My own grief and loss over the death of my daughter are so recent and hurt so much, how can I offer much to these children? I look at other adoption blogs and it can look like happy family picnics with brand new family members happily frolicking in the sunshine like puppies and I don't feel that way.The adoption process is very emotional for me. I'm afraid of greater distance from the family I used to have(Mary Evelyn) and am afraid of the new family relationships and opening myself up-especially to a teenage girl!

Looking around the orphanage, I see brokenness everywhere. It's a great school, clean, attractive with loving teachers, but every child living there has come from a tragic situation and a broken family. Some of them have sad eyes which express they way they're pining for love. Others have a cheerful bravado - trying to show strength and independence.

Nadia brought family photos to share with us yesterday. I looked at the photos of her parents and felt such sadness at their loss. I have lost a daughter too, but to loose a daughter out of neglect and bad choices is a different burden.

Nadia and Ruslan's mom and sister have complained about the adoption to the authorities. They called the school and said they were against it, but when asked if they would take the kids themselves, they said of course not. Family members have been calling Nadia trying to talk her out of it. They say, " you don't speak English, you don't know these people, how can you leave your family and your country?"

I'm glad they are calling and asking her these things because it forces her to think it through now, although it must be very stressful and hard for her and it's a shame that a child should have to deal with such things. All of those questions are things that Nadia and Ruslan need to be sure of before they are adopted and it's good for them to sure of their choice. Because they have been visiting their family, Nadia and Ruslan need to tell them about this and not just disappear which is what I think they were hoping to do.

It's good for the family to know now so that there has been no deceit. They have the opportunity to speak with the children and hear what they think. No one is pressuring Nadia and Ruslan to come, it is entirely up to them to decide this and they want to come. The family can't say we tricked them or stole their children. It also give Nadia an opportunity to grow by being honest about her situation and making a powerful choice to make her life better.

I know I'm a broken mom and maybe I don't have the gifts and light heartedness to create a perfect home, but I'm adopting kids who are broken, too. Each of my kids had a hard burden to bear as a child, and Nadia and Ruslan do too, but maybe it's just that my eyes are open to the reality of brokeness. Mark said it's like the movie The Others where the woman doesn't realize that she and her children are the ghosts- all of us in this world are broken, no one has the perfect frolic in the sun family life.it's up to us to make the most we can of our lives, in God's grace, by taking broken hearts and loving each other into a place of greater wholeness.


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